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DR. DEAH’S GUILT FREE DIET
by Dr. Deah on Nov.20, 2011, under Tasty Morsels: by Dr. Deah Schwartz
Yes you read that correctly. I am promoting a restrictive diet and I am inviting you to join me in my Guilt Loss Program.
One of the comments I hear frequently in my work is some version of:
“I really want to embrace the Health at Every Size™ point of view. In fact I do embrace it. I live it, I breathe it, and I believe in it. But I’m still attached to wanting to be thin. I feel guilty about that. Do you still like me? Can I still be a part of your club? Am I ok???”
The answer is, “Yes, you are human.”
I know it’s hard to believe that there is a point of view where you can define your own standard of ‘perfection’; a point of view that is NOT based on comparisons or where someone else capitalizes on your feeling that you are not ENOUGH.
And your skepticism makes sense because there is a paucity of places in our lives where we are allowed to just “be enough.” Even in places we assume would be guilt-free safe havens, turn out to be hot beds of comparisons, insecurity and feeling guilty about not “doing it” right. 
Take yoga for example. I used to take yoga. I lived on an ashram and everything. It was the most competitive environment I had ever been in! My poses weren’t “posy” enough, my gauzy drawstring pants weren’t gauzy enough and my mat was a towel. We were supposed to be going inward as we went downward dog; but a quick glance sideways inevitably revealed that everyone was looking at each other to see if they were stretching as far as the person next to them. I don’t want to digress and have people think I don’t love yoga. I do. (And there are fabulous exceptions thanks to yoga teachers out there like Anna Guest-Jelley, Curvy YogaTM. But for me, when yoga turned into X-TREME ASS-ANAS with the heat cranked up to 90 degrees and the sun salutation was done in fast forward…well let’s just say I didn’t want to be Jane Fucking Fondananda and feel the Bikram Burn*(see disclaimer). It got in my way of reaping the benefits from the practice.
So enough with the guilt already! 
- An inclusive movement means just that, INCLUSIVE! A size acceptance movement means just that, ALL sizes accepted.
- A self acceptance movement means that our goal is to accept ourselves and each other at every size, at any size.
- This does not mean you have to stay fat.
- This does not mean you have to love every minute of being fat.
- This does not mean you have to stay thin.
- This does not mean that you don’t have personal preferences.
- This does not mean that you don’t wish you could fit into your pre-menopausal weight gain clothing because you don’t have enough money to buy new clothes because you have to pay for your expenses to go to a conference and sell your book so you will have money to buy new clothes…(oooh, see how I made that all about me??)
- It especially does NOT mean that you should be bullied or ostrasized for being whatever size you are.
Seriously, how much happier would we be if we just lost The Guilt? We weren’t born with The Guilt. We can survive without The Guilt. It is not a primal instinct. It doesn’t feed us, clothe us, keep us safe, and it certainly does not make us happy.
Guilt is NOT the same as remorse. Someone who is able to feel badly about hurting another living being or committing some other egregious act against society is showing that they have a conscious. They can tell right from wrong and hopefully learn from the experience and change. Remorse and empathy can be liberating. Guilt? Guilt just festers…It’s like a black mold that begets more black mold and more until you are completely filled with guilt and feel like a failure.
Who needs that?
So, I’m embarking on a lifestyle change today. Some people are gluten free, I am going to be guilt free. I am not going to feel guilty about feeling what I feel. Except perhaps feeling guilty…still working on that paradox.
I am going to give up the self-destructive habit of constant comparison with others. I am going to accept that doing this may be difficult, and that’s o.k.
I invite you to join me. And if you choose not to, please don’t feel guilty. I still love you.
* Disclaimer: I don’t judge anyone that enjoys the Bikram Method. It’s just NOT for me.
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November 20th, 2011 on 1:46 pm
Ha! “Jane Fucking Fondananda and feel the Bikram Burn” Love it! Takes me me back to my Ashtanga yoga days, tougher, faster was what it was about. Self acceptance, going inward–you’re a heretic!
November 20th, 2011 on 1:55 pm
LOVE your guilt free diet…so well said!!!
November 20th, 2011 on 2:14 pm
Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It can eat away at you and make you feel powerless or it can motivate you into action. You feel guilty that you don’t call your mother? you feel guilty you don’t write—Don’t worry I will sit in the dark.Guilt can light the fire under one’s big butt-although we are not measuring are we? to do something positive. Granted, it may have been nicer to do those things motivated by things other than guilt, but one just has to decide if the means meets the end I mean if Mama is happy, does it matter how she got that way and to what expense? Yeah, unfortunately it does because action out of guilt isn’t that rewarding. But I can say that I have not given up the ghost of guilt in all circumstances and still find myself trying to play catchup for the guilt that still lives over things that have long since gone away. I dont’ like feeling guilty after i have had an ice cream or cake or cookies or——-ok you fill in the blank, but I often do and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty because who wants to waste oh i mean waist so much time worrying over size and guilt when you could get hit by a truck tomorrow and then there would be no guilt–unless someone else would feel guilty because they didnt walk you across the street. guilt is not a positive emotion–so if we can’t or do not want to shed whatever poundage there is —–u fill in the blank—let’s shed the guilt
Hands up to guilt-free living
November 20th, 2011 on 7:14 pm
I’m so with you! The trick is not to feel guilty if we catch ourselves feeling guilty…
I hurt the crap out of my back doing yoga at home so I’m all about non-competitive yoga.
November 20th, 2011 on 8:23 pm
yup! on both accounts!
November 21st, 2011 on 9:24 am
Im so on board with this! I started making huge strides forward once I stopped comparing my performance to others and focused on improving my own personal abilities.
November 21st, 2011 on 12:21 pm
Love the blog. I too cant seem to let go of wanting to be thin. Although, I dont have the same drive to be thin. It is a process, I understand that. I embrace the HAES and agree with it. But to each his own. I am still hoping for a cure for obesity or at least find the causes. I am on the right track. I know for sure, food has nothing to do with it. So eat and enjoy the bounty.
November 22nd, 2011 on 5:42 am
At 60 with 26 years of experience treating eating disorders as a therapist I am constantly surprised at my own stinking thinking in these matters.
Last year in my 12 step work I became aware that I felt guilty for no longer looking like I looked at the age of 21. At 21 I weighed 129 pounds, standing 5’7″, had hair down to my bum, with a very feminine figure, large bust, full hips and small waist. I received tons of attention that made me very uncomfortable, many unwanted comments and advances from pigs.
This awareness freed me to enjoy my post-menopausal, gave birth to three wonderful babies and nursed them body! I weigh more, I don’t get the unwanted attention, I’m getting old and I try to be grateful for my body for all the passion of life that I’ve lived out in it.
When I pick up my grandchildren and they snuggle and say, “Grandma, you are so soft” it makes me happy. When other people see pictures of me who knew me when I was 21 they tell me how pretty I look and how happy I look.
I’m joining your restrictive diet on Guilt!
I also have discovered the beauty of limits. I eat less than I used to because my older body does not need as much food and I move more to stay limber and happy.
November 22nd, 2011 on 8:22 am
Well i too loved the blog; I still, at 63, want to be skinny and gorgeous which I wasn’t when I was 18 (I was never fat but diets do make you fat, I was pretty though but never realised it until i saw some pictures of mysel!) however i now help women change their mind set around body issues’; because it’s not about the food; it’s all about how we perceive ourselves, that we don’t love ourselves, don’t believe we deserve – it is a minefield – half the young women today are striving to be thinner (like the ‘celebrities) and the other half eat junk food and are fat. Eating junk food is bad for your health but anorexia and bulimia are too! and yes you are so right – the guilt is dreadful – guilt are not going to the boring gym, or exercise classes, – Bikram – although I enjoyed it for the first few classes and then it became too hot too crowded and too bloody awful!! Let’s make 2012 the guilt free one – I’ll sign up right now!
November 22nd, 2011 on 9:58 am
Hi five to that sistah!
November 22nd, 2011 on 9:59 am
And you get bonus points for “stinkin thinkin” I am a sucker for rhymes!
Thanks so much for your reply.
November 22nd, 2011 on 10:02 am
Thanks Adrienne, I appreciate the honesty and clarity of your response. Beating ourselves up is NOT the answer. “Welcome aboard!”
November 22nd, 2011 on 10:03 am
Thanks Matt, for taking a moment to write. It sounds like you are thriving with your new focus!
November 22nd, 2011 on 10:07 am
Thanks for writing Marla. I am still learning a great deal about this myself, and one thing I’m not so sure about anymore is that obesity needs a “cure.” I believe all people can benefit from healthy activities and self acceptance; and that in the end some of us may be healthy fat people and others healthy thin people. Have you read any of Paul Campos’s work on obesity? It’s great!
November 22nd, 2011 on 12:21 pm
I appreciate your reply. I know of Paul and read his book as well as almost 10 others on the subject. I have written a book myself and it is in editing called Fatology 101.
I want a cure. If you can call it that. If there is no such thing as a cure, I want the causes, which are many, to be in the mainstream of our culture. I want it known that being fat is like being tall, short or anything else that we are born with. I truely believe if I can prove it then people will start to accept us for who we are. Not everyone of course. Anyway, I could write a book about it…oh yes, I did. LOL We have to keep supporting each other until then. Thanks
December 1st, 2011 on 9:48 am
GOOD WORDS OF TRUTHFUL WISDOM DOC.
BUT WHERE ARE THOSE MUFFINS???
December 12th, 2011 on 8:36 pm
Yes, yes, yes, I don’t want to exercise anymore, I know it doesn’t help me lose any inches or weight, and actually does damage making me lose more precious muscle. I always hated exercise. Come to think of it, I excelled in running when I was young, and ran races at school and was one of the top runners; but the reward was being one of the best. There is no way I can run now. I have illnesses that have made my body deteriorate as I aged. I don’t want to diet anymore although people with my disease should be on a very strict one. I don’t think (and I have tried many) any would do any good. It is not the food that makes you fat, it is imbalances in the body.
December 12th, 2011 on 8:55 pm
True, and it is the discrimination against fat people that makes the “fat” harm our self-esteem and drain our confidence and joy of living!
December 12th, 2011 on 11:22 pm
Definitely! If you let it. I feel bad that others cannot see inside a large person and know that there isnt something wrong with them without tacking on a moral weakness judgement.
Here is another interesting point…the latest of many experiences of being large. I was bending over talking to someone, and a little kid who has know me for some time ran right up to my behind, and grabbed one cheek. I was a bit stunned. I guess he could only grab onto one cheek as too would be too large for his arms to go around! Anyway, I looked around at the kid (about 7-8 years old), and saw him laughing at me uncontrolably; then I looked at the mother (not his), that I had been talking to. I was laughing at the whole situation, and the mother was gasping with laughter too. Another older gentleman who was watching the whole thing, was looking daggers at the little boy. I know he is a bit of a naughty kid; however I do believe he can’t believe that my fat is really real, and that I could possibly be so fat! A couple of years ago, he asked me why I was so fat, and I just ignored his comment, but felt embarassed. Now I don’t know what to do. My first reaction was to laugh back. I know most of the adults around probably feel like I deserve it, because they belittle themselves for being fat even though they are very thin. In the country I am living in, most people are very thin. So I am somewhat of an astounding sight here.