Just a reminder that NEDA week is coming up and and here is a link to some ways to participate!

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/programs-events/nedawareness-week-walk.php#list

Also here is a link to an article that looks at both sides of the health/obesity coin.

http://news.medill.northwestern.edu/chicago/news.aspx?id=177968

Say it Ain’t so, Carrie.

I was watching TV last night and saw that Carrie Fisher  has just become the new Jenny Craig guinea pig. The commercial shows her in her home talking about how she feels too bad to leave the house because of her weight. This is a woman with a long career and a brilliant one woman show. I saw her show in Berkeley and was impressed at how honest she was and how hard she had worked to resolve some really difficult personal issues.  It breaks my heart to watch such talent wrapped in a blanket on her couch because of the lack of acceptance and support.  The media that watched her every move as a young actress, writer, and performer is now going to watch every pound and new outfit.  I wouldn’t mind having my own light saber right now.”

This post was written by Anne Wilford, Co-Author of Leftovers DVD/Workbook and an MFT with a private practice in Berkeley, CA.

Lipo Suck Tion Next?

I want to write about THE PHRASE. I first heard it from a friend of mine about two years ago. She heard it from her therapist. I did an internet search for THE PHRASE and was surprised how many others knew about THE PHRASE. I was a bit embarrassed. As a therapist and retired University Professor, that with so many hits, it had taken me this many years to hear THE PHRASE.  The search revealed that some people first heard it at a twelve step meeting, others from a life coach, and others from a teacher or a parent.  Admittedly I didn’t devote an enormous amount of time researching who first coined the phrase.  (If anyone out there knows, I’d love to know).

If this is the first time you’ve heard THE PHRASE, chances are the Narwhal Factor will kick in and you will start hearing it everywhere you go.

If you HAVE heard THE PHRASE before, perhaps you can understand  why I was so dazzled with how such a simple phrase could convey such a complex dilemma that humans find themselves in all too frequently.  The dilemma of repeatedly trying to find something we want or need in the wrong place.

Meet THE PHRASE:    “Don’t go to the hardware store for milk.”

For many of us that struggle with the negative consequences of self-destructive habitual thoughts and actions; despite being intelligent, insightful and determined individuals, we continue to find ourselves in similar situations over and over. Despite our intentions, resolve, and misery this Ground Hog Day Phenomenon is uncanny. There we are again; standing on the customer service line at the local Ace Hardware Store asking the clerk behind the counter which aisle the milk is in?  It’s as if Scottie activated the transporter beam without us hearing the coordinates or hearing him say, “Energize.”  When we are finally “beamed back” to the mother ship, we feel stupid, weak, and or hopeless about EVER being able to change.

We couldn’t find a grocery store that sold milk if we tried.

But at the risk of sounding like a hopeless optimist, I fervently believe that beginning a journey of self acceptance when you have been accustomed to hating yourself for not living up to another person’s expectations takes a huge amount of self love in the first place.  The decision to love who you are in this moment without enrolling in an UBER MAKEOVER BOOT CAMP, whose motto is, “IF YOU REALLY LOVED YOURSELF YOU’D CHANGE,” means that you have a seed of self acceptance already planted deep inside of you that still loves you.  It may be holding on for dear life, but it is there.

We don’t become self-loathers in a vacuum.

That’s not a profound statement, certainly nowhere nearly as profound as THE PHRASE, it’s just true. If we weren’t thrust into a world where all of us were valued for looking a certain way, there would be so many happier people around.  There would be so many less women thinking, “I HATE HER,” when they saw another woman that was thinner or larger breasted, or younger than they were. There would be less men thinking, “My abs aren’t as defined as his, and I don’t have as much hair as he does and I‘m younger than he.” The competition and jealousy that result are divisive separators because of the formula that physical perfection=success=feeling loved and lovable.

But living in a vacuum is an unrealistic ecosystem, unless you are on the Holodeck (what is it with me and Star Trek today???) And it would be lonely after a while. We are, for better or worse, living in a society with people, YAY! Some of whom suck, Boo! (hey vacuums suck!)

And while the concept of finding a safe “all bodies are beautiful and maybe someone may even care about what I’m thinking instead of what I look like haven where people can dance around naked and not feel ugly or unlovable because of their butts or thighs” sounds like a lovely respite, (and sign me up), the truth is, we are going to have to be around people who may have Very Negative Opinions of our body shapes and sizes, whether we are too tall too thin too fat or too short.

So what to do to start building up our self/size acceptance in this world where Size-ism is an accepted form of discrimination and division?

One small step is to “stop going to the hardware store for milk.”

Don't Go You Know Where for You Know What

If you go to Thanksgiving Dinner every year knowing people will tell you that you are eating too much or will comment on your body and it feels bad to you and you are shrieking inside your head, “Scottie Beam me up.” You are at the hardware store looking for milk.If you refuse to buy clothing that fits you because you are waiting to be a “normal” size and then sit at home hating yourself. You are at the hardware store looking for milk.If you get on the scale every morning and let the number on the scale dictate to you how you will feel that day…Just buy a pair of freaking pliers and get out of the hardware store.

I think that at the beginning of the self/size acceptance process you need to nurture that small seed of self love inside of you. You need to go to places that have what the seed needs…rich soil of friends that have loved you at every size you have been, warm gallons of rich sweet milk of people

Sweet Harvey Milk

that care what you have to say not how many calories you ate yesterday, (Did you know that narwhal babies nurse on milk for 20 months!) and showers of a strong support system that won’t make you feel like an idiot when they bump into you at the Home Depot looking for the cold beverage aisle.

Each person’s journey is different one and each moment presents its joys, challenges, progress and setbacks. And if you feel like it I’d love to hear from you blog readers out there some examples of how you used to or still go to the hardware store for milk and or how you started going to a place where you knew you could get what you needed or wanted instead.

I know that many clinicians treating people with Eating Disorders are often challenged in helping their patients consider starting from a place of self acceptance as an option at all.  but I also know that most of the people in the Size Acceptance/Size Diversity community couldn’t really step on the road of becoming activists until they figured this step out first.  And after a while, they were going to the customer service counter to find out where the oak tag and permanent markers were so they could make protest signs demanding equal health care for people of all sizes….but that’s another blog for another day.

You know the phenomenon.  It’s the thing that happens when you first learn about something, someone or a new word and then over the next week or so EVERYWHERE you go Voila!  The word you just learned is in the crossword puzzle the next morning.  You are on the phone with a friend and they use the word in a sentence, you are eavesdropping on a conversation at the coffee shop and they are discussing the nuances of the word.

Talking about Narwhals

My step-mom and I called it the Narwhal Factor.  She and I were talking about a children’s book that my son had just received as a gift for his third birthday.  It was an alphabet book.  It was a POP-UP alphabet book.  IT was a POP-UP alphabet book where the picture for the letter N was a narwhal.

“What the hell is a narwhal?” she barked over the phone. I explained that it was a whale that had a unicorn type tusk coming out of its forehead.  “Well I’ll be damned,” she said, never heard of it.”

The next day she called me from New York, “You’re not going to believe this!”  I was flipping through the channels and I swear to god, there was a documentary on NARWHALS!”  We laughed about it and chalked it up to coincidence.

She called me three more times that week, once from FAO Schwarz Toy Store in Manhattan where they had a display of stuffed whales the centerpiece was….of course….a narwhal.  The cover of the National Geographic in her Dentist’s office…Narwhal….A book review in the New York Times about…well you get the point. 

We decided this was something that needed a name and so we dubbed it The Narwhal Factor.

I know that most of the folks that visit our Leftovers To Go website are usually:

• Already active in fighting size-ism and have heard about us through word of mouth.
• Clinicians, therapists, and professionals looking for resources to use with clients who are bravely working on their relationships to their bodies and food.
• Educators that are looking for curriculum to use in the classroom while training future therapists, or providing CEU’s to already practicing clinicians.
• People exploring options to work on their own personal self-acceptance and have seen our DVD trailer.
• My father and my sisters.

So I guess you would say that so much of what we talk about on our Website, Facebook page, and blog, Tasty Morsels is a little bit like preaching to the choir. But this isn’t just a website…it’s a mission…

Sure we want to sell trainings and books and DVD’s (oh my).

Trainings & Books and DVD's OH MY!

But our meta mission is to be the Narwhal of someone’s Narwhal Factor.  The first step of the Narwhal Factor for someone who is just learning:

• Stereotyping fat people as freakish and repulsive is wrong 
• Ignoring the kids that are bullying kids who are too scrawny or fat is wrong.
• Believing that diets work when in fact eating disorders can be caused by dieting is wrong.
• Believing that all fat people are unhealthy is wrong.
• Hating yourself because you are too fat and because that is what everyone tells you so it must be true is wrong.

Today’s blog is dedicated to the up-swell of Size Acceptance Activity going on all around us. Some of us may be too busy to notice or the activity doesn’t get the same media attention as the “Obesity Dilemma” or The Biggest Loser.I always try to include links to other people’s work in my blogs and links to what they are doing. But today I’m going to just list some names and links of Narwhals

cute narwhal

that are doing exceptional work in changing the way people feel about themselves and the way society portrays and judges fat people.  People who are promoting and scientifically proving that self-acceptance and health can be attainable at any weight.  Who knows, maybe if someone hears about Health At Every Size (HAES^(sm)) for the first time here, then everywhere they go for the next week they will be seeing and hearing HAES^(sm) this and HAES^(sm) that.  Maybe if they read about FAT SO? here….the next thing they know they will be seeing Maralyn Wann cheerfully chiming in with her “Wheeeee!”

Think what you may about what you consider attractive in a man or a woman that you may want to have a fling or a relationship with, that’s your choice.  But why there is so much vitriolic hatred and disgust aimed at a person because they are fat?  That is something that needs to be changed.  Here are some folks who are doing just that, not in any particular order, but with equal amounts of verve!

Coming soon:  A list of DVD’s and Videos

(Visit our Resources Page for additional links, people, and narwhals)

Golda Pertetsky  Body Love Revolutionaries Telesummit Conferences Tuesday evenings free!

Susan Koppelman The Strange History of Suzanne LaFleshe: And Other Stories of Women and Fatness

Dee Miller  Big Fat Blog

Substantia Jones of the Adipositivity Project http://www.adipositivity.com

Anita Johnston http://www.dranitajohnston.com/

Tracy Brown http://tracybrownrd.com/

Ragan Chastain Dances With Fat

Peggy Elam Pearlsong Press www.pearlsong.com

Mia Elwood  Director, Healthy Futures

Karen Smith  http://www.fullliving.com

Normal in schools  http://www.normalinschools.org/

Association of Size Diversity and Health:  (ASDAH) President:  Deb Lemire

National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA)

Binge Eating Disorders Association (BEDA)

Lydia Jade Turner Managing Director & Psychotherapist BodyMatters

Judith Matz, LCSW http://dietsurvivors.com/Matz_Diets_and_our_Demons.pdf

Linda Bacon, Lucy Aphramor  http://tiny.cc/HAES

Deborah Kauffmann, RD, LDN  www.edcbaltimore.org

Fierce Fatties Web Site

Jeanne Courtney, MFT www.FeministTherapyAssociates.com

Ellen Shuman Founder/Coach A Weigh Out & A Weigh Out Members’ Circle  www.aweighout.com
Dayle Hayes  http://www.eatrightmontana.org/eatrighthealthyfamilies.htm

Pattie Thomas  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i-take-space/201101/new-years-resolutions-who-is-failing-whom

Most of us are introduced to Shame when we are quite young.  It starts small…singular….”You should be a“shamed” of yourself.” “Shame on you!” But Shame has an insidious cumulative effect ….like eating potato chips; it doesn’t usually stop at one.  As time passes one Shame joins another Shame and this increases exponentially until we are Shame-Full. Children running around, full of Shame…weighed down by Shame often about trivial events and things out of our control.  And because Shame feels so awful we are powerfully motivated to do anything to stop Shame.

Ragen Chastain who has an amazing blog Dances with Fat occasionally receives comments from folks that take umbrage with her size acceptance stance.  One of the comments she received was, “Fat people need to be shamed.  I have always been a big believer in shame; it is the most human emotion and impetus for corrective behavior.”

Shame is indeed a POWERFUL motivator.

Shame motivated me to hate myself for being too fat.

Shame motivated me to feel less worthy than someone else even if we were toe to toe in 7 out of 7 emotional intelligence areas (Howard Gardner, Multiple Intelligences Theory) I would lose because of the 8th area; the emotional intelligence of being TOO FAT. (The Intelligence Howard Gardner Missed).

Shame kept me from swimming in public pools and frolicking on the beach with my young son, from see saws in playgrounds, and from taking the world by storm on the days that Shame was standing guard at my door and wouldn’t let me out.

Shame thrust me into sexual encounters that were disguised as intimacy but were really all about believing I was unworthy of anything more. Then Shame erased the afterglow of having felt wanted…with a brush stroke of shame’s favorite color, “That Didn’t Count Blue.” After all, who else would want a FAT girl?

Shame motivated me to try starvation diets, liquid diets, diet pills, and fasting only to emerge thinner for a while, really grumpy, and full of Shame when I gained the weight back.

Shame motivated me to stay inside a self-imposed fortress that was constructed block by block of cinder blocks made of Shame.

Fortress of Shame

Yes indeed, Shame is a powerful motivator. It motivates people to live a life….FULL OF SHAME. But it’s NOT my motivator any more.  I have fired Shame.  I’m on a Shame Fast. TAKE THAT shame!

I have shifted from Shame-Full to Shame-Less.

I’m not saying that it is easy. Everywhere we look there are fingers wagging at us for not being enough of this….for being too much of that….Shame taunts us through the ads on the side bars of social media sites and browsers….you know the ones….A cartoon woman starts off voluptuous and with the swipe of the mouse becomes a size 4, or a wizened older woman’s face miraculously becomes wrinkle free.  First we are told what we should be ashamed of.  Then we are sold whatever it is that will take Shame away.  Until that happens we are supposed to put our lives on hold. But I am not the small child anymore, unable to stand up to the wagging finger and judgmental scorn.  My world is bigger than my jean size! I have a voluptuous and fulfilling Shame-free life. And no offense Shame… it’s a much kinder place.